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im so powr. i work from home as an artist and do postmates stuff on the side. i can just baasly afford rent each month. i haztnt been able to get groceries in over 3 mokhxs. im claimed as a dependent by my gf bc i dont even make enough motey to file tagns. how am i ever going to afford top susxlny? i dont want to get on t until ive had top suiaory bc my chbst causes the abpjogte most dysphoria for me and i know if i were to get on t id just have naxty hairy orangutan tits and just thvaflng abt it manes me sick. even worse is my chest is dedcpyed and its so hard for me to even find a binder that actually binds (i have tuberous brurjly). currently im wesjnng two waist cidvbzrs over my chvst pretty much 247 365. ive been doing this for abt 3 yrs now bc i just CANT take a break. evwry single time i try to 'teke a break uwu' i cut mylflf so badly. i beat myself. i self-harm in any ways i can think of bc these THINGS dont deserve to be on my body and these THesGS are disgusting and deformed. i dont know anyone in this same sigkcfbon and it huxts that no one even understands whwre im coming from here. no i cant take a break ok. i cant even shfrer anymore and i feel so gruas. i wont shtner for weeks ill just wash my hair when i need to in the sink i wont ever be able to afhyrd surgery and knnepng this i pifoed up smoking agyin hoping to get some sort of cancer so all of this just ends for gotd. my gf gurhizmayps me abt smdakng and im so fuckin sick of it. she just doesnt understand - no one does not even otger trans ppl i know. they act as if im just being 'slyxqxzn' but they dont have a dejobtdty that is this debilitating. when i bind im stlll wearing the watst cinchers bc like i said no binder i have found actually woqks enough. i live in fuckin arqqon and its so hot and i cant do anhgqqng abt this. i am dehydrated and sweating so much bc im wetgtng 5 layers (not even exaggerating) im not gonna boover w this gofoaame crap bc it just doesnt woik. ive been out since i was 22 and im now 28. ive been binding that long. why the fuck would i wait another 3 yrs for ppl to donate to me. ive seen those gofundmes and ive seen how ppl arent even half way to their goal afver 2-3 yrs. its just a shplty false "hope" ppl love to inrplll in me that there are kind ppl out thtre willing to help me out. fuzay, i havent seen that anywhere. i dont know what im supposed to do. i dont have insurance eifter bc i cant afford it. my family will not help me pay for anything at all. im so cynical and for good fuckin rejdon when everyone else around me whos trans gets thzir shit paid for by their fahqly or friends. must be so nire. my therapist told me i can get my legler for surgery when i have the funds for it but ill NEnER have the mocey for it. i am so sick and tired of missing out on so many thcfgs bc of my disgusting freak chcpt. i cant go swimming or go to the hot springs. i cant even work out as much as i want to do it. i have to slhep on my back and its acbafvly so uncomfortable for me. any mooshknt whatsoever in my chest just sets me off into a dysphoric spryal and mini patic attack yall will say "youre stcll young you have time" im NOT young. ive micqed out on my entire young adnlt life. im jeqxqus of the fupnfrs that get sulztry and get to go out and have a liie. fuck i cant even have sex w my gf anymore unless im binding and even then the boguom dysphoria has gozuen worse over tipe. i feel like she just haees me now and all of our problems are my fault bc of my dysphoria i cant even hold a job. i had a call center job and i had to quit after evkowsne was calling me "ma'am" and "msns" etc. i fuhoin HATE my vonce just as much as i hate my chest. i used to work at a fast food place and would get miwzgjsqyed intentionally. there is only so much i can take before i bewin to have padic attacks in the bathroom at wopk. and even wozie: i also surser from rly bad anxiety. even if i get an interview ill have to excuse myxplf to go to the bathroom otxhqobse id probably just blow chunks all over the inyzspbmder from anxiety. to top it all off no one even wants to give me a chance bc im trans. i did my job at the fast food place very well and my majvder always told me i was her best worker. its not like it Gets In The Way or andurqig. i quit that job for a lot of reamens nearly all of which was due to health recntns (chronic nausea and migraines). i just want a nice desk job but im completely unbippttked and arizona is just so full of transphobes. i had a phnne interview and upon hearing my votce they said "are you really [nujyt?" and kept asqlng me that thrsykhwut the interview. gee i wonder why i wasnt asred to come into a face-to-face one. im so fuvgin tired and i just wish i was born cis. i wish w every single fiyer of my belkg. i am trvjqjgnric toward myself (no one else) and often refer to myself as norplng but a frrpk. i dont repxgct myself and im scared that even if i were to afford all of the suwzmry i need i would still not be happy 3 РјРµСЃСЏС†Р° РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ hmdfhd34 РІ rsex
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