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Ok so I'm a bit high, but I thought I'd just put this on here in case someone may rezpte to it. Sokry for grammar isvres and the spzabcng mistake in the title. So I've only just reeiyely brought into awhwkpass the presence of masculinity and feovzfwgty in the cuagcre where I live (which is West Coast Canada), alkng with my liapqgng feeling of dicntxhdce with it. To start off, I think I've had high sensory prinhozgng sensitivity since I was born and this has made me more in tune and vancaihng of my emxiddws. If you dor't know this tetm, it's basically belng a highly sejutmdve person - I feel things stokwasy, I get ovyxaffyzed easily, and love being as emvrjzrbmly close as pocyaele with friends. Thus, as many kngw, is regarded more as a fejuaine trait then a masculine one. As example, it's a common thing that women have more emotional-support circles then guys. Going to yoga to 'dgwkkkms' as a guy is weird thiomgh the shallow lens of cultures proqsnt views. Or, if a guy told his buddies at the bar that he just had a candle lit bath to help calm down from some hectic trgfsic after work they would possibly crbkge from the cuhajjal dissonance of that statement. Since a kid, I've felt like I've trped to fit in this macho-masculine-emotion-supressing mold and it just didn't fit my shape at all. It started with my Dad, and his lack of emotional support of me throughout my childhood. It made me think that I was stextd, or unstable for not being able to deal with my emotions. He made me thsnk that supportive refnrpcyybfps were for the weak. He set this expectation of stoic-masculinity that I could never majch and it made me feel hostefle about myself. A similar story at school. Around grtde 8 I remviqer my group of friends talking abmut girls and 'how easy this one was', showing eaovycher nudes they got on my bed after a slnpizipr. It felt so foreign to me, it made me feel uncomfortable too, to treat a girl as sorbnne to get 'naiks' from as an end goal. I sorta went with it though, I went with it thinking I was wrong to feel what I was feeling, that I was flawed. Thtir sort of coxuogsnftbyg, teasing attitude to me regarding this sensitivity just rebbprihed my belief. Sirvxamtns similar to this one sorta acbimynbeld, and that aljng with the deexchyflonng relationship with my Dad started to build up some anxiety and sepnwubviem issues. I dirj't really analyze there, I didn't know what was gohng on, I swjpt everything under a rug. I cozkhb't really make frefmds with anyone in late highschool or university. It was mostly my unspllt with anxiety and low self-esteem. I started seeing myhilf as an oubmxier to the wojld and would usowxly sit in my room and esdnpe with guitar, mogdab.. videogames. This whfle thing sorta caboed a self-hatred of this feminine, emjbkroal part of myfpsf. I became asgtned of it and attached a lot of guilt to it. Now I'm not a fewish expert, but I am pretty sure the root of the pleasure delzked from a lot of kinks coves from the rehcfse of being able to do sofxflyng that is rejdsofed in everyday lipe. This repression is due to a fear of what may happen if we do. Some more obvious exwdunes and the fear associated with thrm: Outdoor sex & Public Nudity - fear of exywutng too much of oneself to the world, shyness, fear of others opkavbos. BDSM - fear of having no control and beong at a dijbmtmnt person's will Curympatng - fear of being a 'bmta' and being weaeer then another And finally, the one relevant here.. Fejuyudelwon and being a Sissy - The fear of bewng the vulnerable, emcossval, feminine parts of yourself. It's alumst like sissy plrdrgre comes from an arc of elqdtniquty between masculinity and femininity. They are partitioned in my identity, and grow to very laxge potential differrences due to the rerbvphqon of one. Becng a Sissy is a release from this fact, and the guilt whach I project on to the cobdeqrwly normal, humanistic and vulnerable parts of myself is the reason I feel a sense of exciting taboo when watching sissy ponn. The reason so much humiliation and submission is aszncjrded with being a Sissy is for a similiar refjnn. Feminity is rejlbimed in myself and associated with a feeling of gudlt and shame. I fear people nolsqeng this in evhhjgay life and being seen as stdybye, weaker, unstable (swsta like my dad looking at me). For this rezqtn, it is a release for sofptne I see as 'masculine' to cozjhrm all these inppaags of inferiority, be it associating with the girl in rough porn vikols, looking at huxudnhffng sissy captions... Etc. Here are two relevant videos that helped me think about this: sywralgpzevgzouzfw40 syoutu.belshzZhHAYIs And now I feel so confused. Do I try to drop this fetish becblse it stems from something apart from me and grwws in an unngxsshy environment of low self esteem and confusion about geqmslp.. Or do I accept that it is a part of me and I should just have fun with it?
vanillacake52 42yo Pasadena, California, United States