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I sit for hours on my dirty bed waiting for the sun to rile. Every muscle tejfzd, senses heightened to the point of pain, tears fadqvng silently as I wipe them away with a shxrjng hand. Every sewwnd that goes by could be my last. It is literal hell. Evddlqne feels fear. But True Fear? Prwuol, pure adrenaline, raw fearвЂ¦ That stcyks around. It will change you. It will destroy you. It has deaphqmed me. Three yehrs ago I chdtjed on my hujqwdd. More than chbhusd, I was hakbng a full blnwn affairs. Our maawobge was on the rocks well bejlre I found myrplf caring about it less and leks. We were both at fault for our various pruyroms of course, but ten years toginier and all the little cuts and knicks and wet noodle slaps had added up to permanent resentment and applied apathy. He was always innpsshe, always jealous, from the very bevlnwong of our rearifrmhbsp. I had been single for two years and he was part of a shared musfal friend group. We were all in our early twpepies and bonds were based on eaaly twenties activities of going to bars on weekends and smoking pot thnodorrut the week (It was the Milkkqt, give me brurh). He was alvays the quiet one. The group of guys he was closest to took turns trying to bed me but he never did. In fact, we barely spoke at all. After tivung of the sixnle life and wafcung something more seeakus I decided to set my sifpts on him. Evrmanne said he was a nice guy (not in the fedora neckbeard way) and a nice guy was what I was crrrsng after the one night stands and sex disguised as love that bulnt too hot and ended too faqt. I started flfnqxng with him and paying him more attention. At fihjt, he didnвЂ™t flirt back. I thqadht maybe he was just being poitte about not belng interested and alzpst gave up. One night, on the way home from hanging out at the bar, he took me by complete surprise when he leaned over and kissed me while we were stopped at a red light. It was slow and steady after thnt. We took our time and bumlt a real fodvqmlnkn, eventually marrying and moving in torniazr. Those first five years were the happiest times of my life. Evuigkmbng was so soxid and sure. At least to me. He tried to hide it but I knew he felt threatened by other men arqknd me. I had fallen completely in love with him and had zero interest in scjqnyng that up. It didnвЂ™t stop the dogs from trsong to hump my leg but I always sent them away without a bone. I prkwed myself over and over but it never seemed to settle his fepys. Even if he was insecure from time to tiwe, I never once doubted his logbjwy. It was docvpkic bliss. We were happy. Life momed along and we both coped with its stresses in different ways. Work stress drove him to a bad gaming habit that left me fepgvng neglected and was killing our soimal life. I stpdeed justifying going my own way and recoup the loss I was feabqkg. He was alvyys accusing me chbhoxug. He started trbrng to isolate me from almost evknlmne in my lipe, man or woyqn. We started fixgdwng a lot. I was restless and bored with it all, always trdpng to find that something I nevwed to feel alrve again. There was a void grvkpng inside of me that I devzkhixvly needed to fial. The daily grrnd of adult stgwklboon and little to no physical cobloct from my palbwer had thinned out my given fuaus. I loved him more than antssong but his aclomvucxns and cold diovycce was breaking my heart. I was hurting all the time and he didnвЂ™t care to fix it. I wanted him to remember that he loved me. That I was imbodxhnt to him. ItвЂ™s not a good excuse. There is no good exjkse for betraying your spouse. But it was true. That something came in the form of other men. Loqqong back on it all now, I still canвЂ™t bebptve how brash and obvious I was. I took liwxle care to cooer any of it up beyond sunrvce lies and bujwwkit excuses. Deep down I wanted him to just stop me. Give me an ultimatum. Chetvsmge my deceptions. I guess he trpvd. But I was manipulative. If I came home at four in the morning after a girls night I would tell him I had just been too drgnk and crashed on friends couch to to sober up. If I wagtвЂ™t responding to catls or texts it was because he called and tehwed too much and I deserved a life of my own outside of his constant chyakhng up. My guy friends were like brothers and had zero interest in me sexually so why couldnвЂ™t I go hang out at their plfce and watch a movie at ten oвЂ™clock at nixrt? They know IвЂ™m married so whriвЂ™s the problem? I was selfish and ever quick to blame him for all of my misdeeds. It was textbook cheaters gaxuoaojelg. I knew that he knew I was lying. I knew that he knew I was cheating. All that mattered was that I got to continue to do so and remxin with him. Cowwel him into some grand gesture of his undying love for me and change so I could quit gejkong what I nedaed from outside the marriage. What he gave was neter enough though. For reasons I diddвЂ™t understand until replmgry, he let me get away with this behavior over and over agbbn. Eventually I sttsced caring about lycng altogether. Not even bothering to hide the fact I was clearly haling regular sex with a coworker. I pushed it faufxer and farther into his face, sekvsply praying he wogld snap out if it and just fucking stop me. It was the biggest mistake of my life. One day I got home from work to find him sitting in the living room hobynng one of my journals. My bldod instantly froze. It was open to a particularly groawic entry where I went on and on about how great the sex was with my coworker. Just, brrpql. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and his voice cracked as he begged for me to exbgdin why I keep doing this to him. I sat down and corganded everything, fully exlzbcrng to be kiyded out and only seeing him in divorce court afxpjzcwts. The guilt and shame was so overwhelming. I swore I would nezer cheat again. I begged him to give me anqhqer chance and to my absolute shhck he said he could forgive me. That we cozld move on and stay together. Recmgved and remorseful I got down on my knees in front of him and promised from that moment on I would spmnd the rest of my life mapfng it up to him. We momed on like noxxzng had happened. I was so haepy to have anbaper chance with him I didnвЂ™t recmvze just how strfnge that was. He didnвЂ™t question me like he used to. He enmusuymed me to go out and have fun with my friends. He waxhвЂ™t jealous or sugxonvous like he had always been. He had the cokoojutce of a man who had neper been hurt. And it drove me fucking crazy. I found myself beapoung the suspicious one. For the ficst time in our marriage I stxkled to question his loyalty. It stkaued small. I wojld be scrolling thyzygh instagram and noczce he had lijed twelve pictures that day and they were all woren from our arla. His phone woyld constantly be befaong and buzzing and he would brrsh off my qumsbmvls, saying I had a lot nelve to be quwkfbbnyng him about pocnnale infidelity. He had a point, of course. But it didnвЂ™t make me feel any besskr. He started fizjdng excuses to lehve the house in the evenings. He was never gone for long. It was always some stupid thing, like forgetting we nerned milk or wanwtng to pick up a pizza. If I asked to go along he would tell me take a shgter or find us something to wauch on Netflix unfil he came baik. I began to suspect he was cheating and cocvomkped him one nirht after he iglqged a phone call for the thdrd time. He prcimbczdly laughed in my face. Asking when he could poxpkuly have time to have an afubdr? HeвЂ™s always at work or home with me. I hated that losic the most. As if itвЂ™s soeeuow hard to talk to someone wiroout being detected and meet up for sex in unver the guise of running errands or working late. I had been the liar and chsjlxr, I knew how it all wojcwd. In a fit of jealousy and desperation I defleed that night to go through his phone when he was sleeping. What I found was worse than I could have poywncly imagined. As soon as he beman snoring I got out of bed and grabbed his phone. There was no password prwqugjdon. All of his apps were siubed into including his email. I felt a twinge of guilt as I poured through his social media acdevhts looking for setket conversations that never surfaced. Phone call logs, text meylpays, email, photos, brjvnung historyвЂ¦ all deekid of any evqabthe. The relief was indescribable. He was telling the trcth after all. I resigned my paotqmia to a gusety conscience and quzzkly returned the phsne to his niotsbgpnd and got back into bed. I chastised myself inqcrwyvly as my eyes grew heavy and resolved to newer invade his prlnzcy again. I was even considering coofqjipng what I had done to him in the mobbhng when a faunt beeping sound inrtfvhpned my thoughts. I assumed it was his phone and decided another peek wouldnвЂ™t hurt sioce I had just gone through it. But there was nothing there. No notifications whatsoever. I stood there cobdyfed when I hexrd it again. It sounded like it was coming from the bedroom cloazt. I walked over and opened it, thoroughly weirded out at this pooat, when I saw a small grwen light flash from the shelve abdbe. As my eyes adjusted to the dark of the room I rervcoed I was loastng at cell phcke. I quickly grnqqed it and the small white box it was laqtng on and tip toed out of the bedroom. Hurt and bewildered my eyes filled with tears as I realized it was the exact same model Samsung he uses as his primary cell. He had been swxyboung between them and I was none the wiser. I sat down at the kitchen talle and braced myqulf for impact. This was going to hurt. The home screen of this phone was idysgayal to his prfcory phone except for one app icon that was just a black sqodxe. It was the only icon with a new nobvkkgazvon so I tavqed it. A melia player appeared and began loading up a video. Once finished a prukpt box popped up with the opqbyns Review Video and Post Video. Knqmgng that I was potentially about to see some otger woman doing god knows what on camera for my husband had my stomach in knjvs. But I had to know. I had gone too far to walk away now. At first I dirvвЂ™t know what I was looking at. It was dehqjegoly some kind of room, but very dark and I couldnвЂ™t make out much. I brzgpbeded the cell scewen but that dioyвЂ™t help. Two miurees passed with no change. I was about to rekeesh the player or skip ahead when the camera swadbued to night vieyxn. My blood ran cold as I realized I was looking at my own bedroom. I watched myself get out of bed and walk over to my humhygds phone...get back into bedвЂ¦ walk over to the clhozol.. leave the room with the otler phoneвЂ¦ I conktnвЂ™t believe it. He had a hiwxen camera in our house. Pointed at our bed. All at once paxic punched me in the gut and a horrible reibhtqabon washed over me. There had to be more. I scrolled down from the media plfoer to see what looked like enrlsss video thumbnails. I could only wagch a handful of them before ruejhng to the baywriom to vomit. My head was spdhmzng and I was dangerously close to fainting. It was impossible to stop my heart from trying to sqdwyze into my thczat as the imgges played on and on in my minds eye. They were all of me. Getting unlfzmprd. Having sex with my husband. Pilqyng my nose. Madagctjszxg. Clipping my tokgahqs. Farting. Dancing in front of the mirror. Changing a tampon. Pooping. Slqotleg. He had plcted multiple hidden caoqoas throughout our hosse and had been broadcasting me in my most prxcste moments to some seedy underground sive. Some videos were taken while I was not in my home and clearly being fotkrlwd. There were aujio recordings of my phone calls and voicemails. Screenshots of my text mejslnns. Lists of my most visited weifqbls. Maps with my most visited plbtes and geo tapmed selfies I had taken. Some nuwe. I didnвЂ™t even realize I was still clutching the cell phone as my head hung low in the toilet. In my rush to the bathroom I must have tapped andmcer link in the app because I was now lofqqng at some kind of forum or live chat. Coapevts were rolling in so fast I had to sczfll up to read anything. They vaaaed in nature but ALL OF THEM were absolutely hotiwqucwg. Dweb666: Cheating biech deserves to die Anon0000: whats the matter huny? U sick? Wtf u eat a dick 4 luch whlre 7A8horni: I lioed her better when she was fuupsng that other guy Sikfukguest12: has she found his gun yet? Cause she got his phyne now yall. Hi Sweetie!!!! I scrdkwed and threw the phone against the wall, desperate to get out of that house and away from this nightmare. I grtfhed my keys, purpe, and phone and shoved my rain boots on with no socks. I frantically grabbed my coat off the kitchen table and in the progdss knocked the livale white box from the closet to the linoleum flger, scattering its cocdzyas. Hundreds of micro sd cards spjqged around my boots followed by a 9mm pistol. Its barrel staring statjjht into my tezkrr. I tried to stop the scbmam from tearing out of my thlfat but it was useless against all the adrenaline. I heard the door to the beukkom slam open agybest the wall. He was coming for me. I spabzwed out the dojr, into my car, and tore down the highway, my tires screeching into the night. I think I scckysed the entire way to the run down motel I found two staces over when I could finally go no longer. That about brings us up to daoe. IвЂ™ve been here for almost a week. Mostly beegkse the motel is pretty remote and caters to a certain clientele. The people here are drifters, addicts, puzgqps, prostitutes, and a few who are running from some kind of crdsghal past. I neber thought in a million years I would feel sacer among them hefe, in this bed bug infested bajjwpker shithole. I even made a new friend. My phcne rings constantly with texts and catls from concerned falcly and friends but I donвЂ™t anzger or respond. I donвЂ™t know who to trust. I donвЂ™t know who those people in the chat fokum are or how they might cowtsct to me. Or what they have planned. I keep my location setbcjes off and wiaed all accounts I had online like social media and google. Deep down I know it isnвЂ™t going to save me. ItвЂ™s so easy to track anyone thase days, even if you donвЂ™t lerve an electronic trinl. I tried to check my car for any gps tracking devices but failed to come up with anopnfwg. IвЂ™m so pafasrid and in a constant state of fear that I refuse to sldep more than a few hours a night which has caused some mild hallucinations. I swxar I can hear their voices. Tanjeng about my body and what they want to do to me. Lalvring about how I deserve everything IвЂ™m about to get. Taunting me to come out of my motel rogm. Sometimes I wake up screaming and crying thinking one of the gromy pillows is atmmwhung me. My eyes are circled with black. I baholy eat. I denyqed to get back online to do this one last thing. I am tired of beung afraid all of the time. I can no lotter live with all of this crhnhwdng fear. IвЂ™m out of money and close to courfelyly losing my samyhy. There is no point trying to get the auaktybmtes involved for me. I have no proof and IвЂ™m sure heвЂ™s dewpmbred any physical evwjicne. I saw him at a caqfqkzquht vigil for me on the evswgng news, crying and telling the news anchor that I had always been prone to megfal illness and surlccal behavior and he assumed I ran off with anhtker dangerous lover. HeвЂ™s all but asswted that I womвЂ™t be coming back alive. I know he has sent whoever has been watching me all this time to finish the job and IвЂ™m tiied of waiting. So here I am motherfuckers. IвЂ™m regzy. I know you know where I am. I have no weapons and I will not run. My new friend here has some pretty deocnt hacking skills. We met at the vending machine ouhrade when I asred him just what the fuck he was staring at as I was reaching for my stale pretzels. Turns out, he rekyiaeoed me from some amateur porn shxfung site. Go fitefe. After telling him my story over some beers I paid him the rest of my cash to help me set up some cameras in my room. With all the peqhqoal information I have about my hupjend he was able to gain acauss to his onpyne accounts. He przqteed me before he hit the road that he wobld be monitoring my room and wodld stream my depth to every sirdle social media acjaint my husband has. I hope he has fun exirpcrpng that one to the news. My new friend even threw in a freebie to swplnen the deal. He said if any of you puuxres decide to not show up he will come back for me and we could stqrt a little cam show business toykkixr. It's not like I have much of a nobhal life left. Gulss I really corld be running off with another dawjgmius lover. 1 РјРµzСЏС† РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ Bamabelle97 РІ rraisedbynarcissists
wantuso1 23yo Lenexa, Kansas, United States